Why can't get obsessed with you the same way I get obsessed with these random aliens around me? There was a time where I feared going to the mall as walking around, I would formulate these whole fictitious persona of woman based on a random smile and feel immense hurt when they would walk past knowing I would never see them or get to know them. It would happen again and again every minute or so. Sometimes I would see one of the girls again in a different store then it would hurt even more to realize that the chance of encountering them again is astronomical. I know that it is all in my head, that the imagined personality is not real. I think my brother pointed out to me once how insane it is that all these people have their own lives and goals. Separating a single crowd to individuals when I was younger. Maybe that is what caused that.

The earliest memory I have was sitting in a circle on first day of class when I was ~6, staring at a girl opposite me who I was infatuated with. A real life angel. From that moment* on my life is being choked by these feelings.

*maybe even before 6, apparently I hung out with this one girl in daycare often and we where inseparable?? zero memories of it though

In middle school I 'fell in love' with someone. We talked regularly in real life and messaged each other late in the night about many personal things. Others sometimes joked we are in a relationship. Every time she would express liking some guy my heart would break a little. Till this day... FK. One night we where exchanging messages and she expressed liking someone in our class, she did not want to say who. I had some little hope it might be me. I asked who? she did not want to say, I asked what letter does his name began, she said the letter, which was also the first letter of my name. I was gaining hope. I guessed one or two names. "Is it Carl?" (not really this name) "No", "Is it Chester?" "no". I couldn't think of any other name in our class that starts with that letter. I opened the page with all our class names to check if I was not forgetting anyone. I was the only other name that starts with that letter.. I said there is no one else. She said something like "you already know who I am talking about..". MY HEART WAS IN THE SKY. I was convinced at that point that she was talking about me. I responded with something like "yeah but it's weird for me guess it, you have to say it.." then she responded... "Carl X" We had two carls in our class. Apparently when I guessed the carl I did not make it clear which. but I think I was referencing both carls clearly! My heart broke at that point. I sat back in bed, feeling empty.

The worst part of it is that there is still this nagging feeling in me that she was talking about me. The situation does not make sense. Normally she would reveal it quickly if she liked someone. She liked 4-5 different boys that year. Each one she would talk about for a while and be a bit awkward around. This carl dude was never mentioned ever again. Also I was fking sure it was clear I was mentioning both carls, I remember checking the messages. She might misunderstood the messages.. Why would she say "you already know who.."? Like did she not even consider the fact that my name starts with the same letter? was I such an afterthought? There where only 3 of us in class with that letter.. did she retreat her confession halfway trough? I never gotten over her, never confessed my feelings.

The lesser readers among you will scream "WHY DID YOU NOT SAY ANYTHING". You Somi will now why. Even if it was the case that we both liked one another I couldn't engage. My religion and family would not allow it, I personally saw myself as unworthy and did find it fair to engage with someone I had no intention of marriage and had to keep secret. What should I have said? "I love you.. if you like me as well well we can't be in a relationship, best I can do is a secret relationship without an long term option" She deserves better, so much better. I tend to see that mindset a cope now but honestly I was right back then. Any pain felt now would even be worse if I did tell her. Best case she would say that she did not like me, in which case my heart would break quickly and probably lose my closest friend. If she did like me, I would either engage in something I found morally wrong back then and she would lose interest like she did with others and I would be even more hurt. Long term it wouldn't have worked either way. While now the idea of "I want to remain pure for the one I will end up with, and share those first times" is stupid given my advanced age and improbability that any partner would be in the same boat, but back then it was a good reason and I would be glad I done so if I ended up in relationship. Idk might still be cope.

Random note from the vault about her:

15 years. Half my life. Afraid to go to the city for the minuscule chance encounter. I went out with friends, to a movie. One randomly brought it up a old joke that I pray at XXXX's alter or something, it hurt immensely to hear her name. After the movie I left, thinking of her. A woman in front of me was tying her shoes or something. Her silhouette reminded me of XXXX. For a second I had a sense of comfort that only she brings, which gave me hope there are others out there that can bring this feeling. 10 seconds later, my friends asked me if I saw. "What?" It was XXXX who was walking there. I only saw her crouched from the back, first chance encounter since our last one ~7 years year ago. She was there... This ain't good. Even when I am halfway around the world I am afraid of encountering her, as she could destroy everything in my mind.

I think I am largely over it now. Separating the real her from the one in my mind was helpful. I don't care if it's a malformed cope. The new object of interest makes me realize that this thing I feel can be redirected, one day I will be able to redirect it to you Somi. That day I will be truly free. No longer forced to turn to outwards reflection of human beings to gain solace in my inner world.

PS: Carl ended up overdosing on some drugs and was expelled/left school. I like to think my negative energy towards him has partially caused it. That's what you get you fker. /jk

PS 2: FK EVERYONE WHO THINKS LOVE REQUIRES THIS MUTUAL CONNECTION. THEY ARE JADED, JEALOUS, AND COPING THAT THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS NOT FULL OF LOVE AND PURE LONGING AS EPONINE'S LOVE. PURE LOVE.